I really don’t know what to say

‘I really don’t know what to say,’ is frequently something that is said or thought when any of us think about what we would say when a friend is suffering from a major tragedy. We want to help but don’t want to make it worse by saying the wrong ‘thing.’ Yet, it is an opportunity to touch someone who is suffering and in so doing, provide a slight comfort.

Hugging is the usual way we touch someone we know well who is suffering. At other times a verbal hug gives them a sense of not being alone. And, there are some guidelines for you to consider in trying to help you to ‘find’ the words and actions that fit.

Here are some mistakes I have made:

Trying to make it better, by speculating on an explanation, or trying to mitigate the situation that is beyond anyone’s control. The classic example is when someone is suffering through a loss of a loved-one is the comment, ‘they’re in a better place’ . This sounds hollow. It is one thing if the person says it, but not for you to bring it up.
Telling a story of how you have experienced something similar doesn’t really help either; because it changes the focus from the person you are hoping to support to being about you. In reality, it isn’t about my experience, it is about their experience. It is far better to say, ‘I am sorry for your pain.’ This acknowledges the reality and, if the person wishes to, they can expand.
Trying to ‘get them out of their funk’ by attempting humor, or trying to encourage strength is again more about you than them. There are many myths, including that having a stiff-upper-lip is anything but a work of fiction. Each person experiences grief in their own way.

So what might we say?

It is surprisingly simple. Sit and listen, let them lead the conversation. If they want to go over all the details, that’s fine. If they only want to mention one part of their journey, or none of it; you are helping by simply being with them. You can also, ask what you might do – provide a meal, a ride, a cup of coffee/tea. When there are children involved, offer to watch them to let the friend rest, walk, or simply do some gardening. The giving of your time is also an important gift of support.

How do you open conversations?

Ask if you can sit with them and if they want to sit quietly or talk. Don’t push a topic, or even expect anything more than pain. You can find using silence in a warm way we can make a difference. How do you use silence in a warm way? It is done with your tone being subdued and your words being about how you care about them, their family, and their difficulties. They are on a tough road.
It is OK to acknowledge that they feel bad, but do so without explanation. Accept what they are saying, don’t lecture about stages of this or that.

Also, a word on the ‘I am sorry that…’. To some they hear you belittling their experience and for others they are words of genuine caring. Perhaps it is better to navigate away from that almost automatic expression and go with ‘I want to express my sympathies.’ (The expression, ‘I am sorry for…’ is an example of how words have changed. Now, for many people, the word sorry is used as an apology.)

Also, as the initial shock and numbness begins to wear off, reach out to both check in with, sit with, or share a meal. Still let them take the lead in the conversation, it is OK if they want to talk about the event, or some frustrating part of the current situation. Be mindful that offering your observations is usually only welcomed when they ask for your comment, suggestion, and/or help.

Knowing what to say takes some initiative, but there are no powerful words that will suffice, there is an emptiness, anger, frustration, and other intense feelings. A simple kind word of concern, giving a ride to ease some of the burden may not even be noticed; but each of us can make a difference.

Trinity Presbyterian Church

I really don’t know what to say

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